How do we love?
When we talk about love, it doesn't refer to "love" between couples only. Love can be perplexing but simple at the same time. It exists as an instinct, for example, among the wildlife, even between the different species of animals. I grew up believing animals have a beautiful soul just like you and I do. When I saw a giant dog became protective of his young toddler master, I started to believe in that. People told me that dog loves their owner because their instinct told them that guy is providing thus they are their gods to love. But what about a young toddler who can barely walk? Isn't animals learn to love cute babies too just like we think lion cub is cute? Behind this mammalian instinct, there is agape love that makes us provide to the young and weak rather than exploiting. It's not too bad to provide to them when we have extra. One may ask why there are people who eat young calves and piglets? Isn't they are young and cute? That's because we didn't see or hear how they were killed and also because not everyone chooses to love.
As humans, I don't think it is necessary to understand God's love in detail. As it may be incomprehensible and struggling to understand it may demotivate you from believing God is love (1 John 4: 16). I used to ask these questions in the church. If God is loving, why does he ordered the massacre of women and children in 1 Samuel 15? For it was written,
"...Now go and strike Amalek and devote to destruction all that they have. Do not spare them, but kill both man and woman, child and infant, ox and sheep, camel and donkey...."
To add, why God ordered the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah and the city of Ninevah where there are twelve thousands of infants who did not know their right or left hands? If you dig deep, these questions could puzzle you and make you doubt if God is a tyrant? That is why Jonah ran away from God because he judged by his own standards of love. Some people argued that the God from the Old Testament is God of wrath and justice. He killed the infants because their parents and the surrounding peoples are evils. But aren't God is a consistent God that will never change? Also, the Bible told us in 2 Chronicle 25 that each of us will die of our own sins but not our parents? This sounds like a contradiction isn't it? Those toddlers haven't reached up an age that they could choose to believe in God or not. Even if they are evil now, it wasn't their fault. It's their surrounding who made them so. Also, John Calvin made it worse by claiming that we won't believe in God unless God lets us but the argument is Biblical though. If this is not the worse, let us ask are we the ones who asked to be born in this fallible world to suffer? When the theologians hit these questions, they often go to the book of Romans and quoted chapter 9, which said
"19 You will say to me then, “Why does he still find fault? For who can resist his will?” 20 But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?” 21 Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use?"
Look, if this issue is arguable and is open for discussion, the author of Romans, Paul wouldn't ask us to shut up! There are just questions that we can't fully answer. But at least the story of God's love doesn't end there in the Bible. In the New Testament, God Himself came down from heaven, took the form of man, Jesus Christ, to die for our sins. God Himself died for His own inflexible system sounds fair to us from our standards now. As long as there is no one arguing about Jesus's death for his hand-picked only, everything still sounds great.
That's it for the love of God.
What about the love of a man? A textbook would tell you there are eight types of love, which are:
- Eros (sexual passion) ...
- Philia (deep friendship) ...
- Ludus (playful love) ...
- Agape (love for everyone) ...
- Pragma (longstanding love) ...
- Philautia (love of the self) ...
- Storge (family love) ...
- Mania (obsessive love)
You wouldn't live well if you lack any mentions above. A decade ago, when I was desperate for a girlfriend, I could go to the extent of creating an imaginary girlfriend. That could be someone from a drama, someone from my dream, or a combination of it and I would write them down into a novel hope that I may topsale one of the stories one day. However, most of the plots were just too lame. Nevertheless, I believe there was a good one that came into my dream when I was eleven years old. It happened more than two decades ago but feel like it was yesterday. The dream imprinted in my mind like it was a fresh memory that happened in reality. Felt like it was some memories from my past life, which was what I used to believe at that age. But of course, I don't believe in any of those now. Reincarnations sound more like a self-deception to get answers for unanswerable.
Anyway, I dreamed of a girl, who I knew when I was studying overseas. I'm not particularly sure where is that. It looks like France from the building design. In my dream, I was 18 years old. I rented a room opposite a tall and grandeur apartment that belongs to a well-known entrepreneur living in the city. I used to see a girl looking out from the window with boredom. I was curious who was her and wondered why she never attends school or goes out of the house. She looked trapped in the house.
There was one particular evening, I sat down by the street to enjoy my ice cream right in front of the seven-eleven shop. I saw her standing few yards away on my right side by the street. Her looks told me she doesn't want to go home and she was enjoying the sunset there in the evening. When it was dark, I went forward and greeted her. The street was empty by then. She has fair skin, long and dark hair, and a pair of deep dimples on her face. I knew she rarely comes out but still, it is dangerous for her to be alone there at that time. I offered to walk her home. She has a soft voice and a pretty shy character. Yet I know she wanted to go out and see the world. I walked her home to her dad, a man with a tuxedo and long hat and a staff in his hand. From the conversation with her dad, I got to know that the girl is sick and he couldn't afford to let her goes out of the house as she may easily get sick out there. They have maids to sanitize everything in the house and tutors to oversee her studies. Her mum has passed away when she was a child. She doesn't have a friend or relatives who would visit anytime and I became a regular visitor after that.
I got to know her more after months of visits. I knew she wanted to travel and learn about the outside world. Sometimes during the sunset, I brought her out for kiting in a large green field. We flied the kite when the sky is golden. After a year, we got married to each other. Her dad wanted that to happen and he doesn't care about my lowly position as a student. We had a grand wedding with flowers everywhere but I don't remember if there were any audience. It was so surreal. After months of living together, I learned that she never sleeps. She was grown up sleepless. That was odd but it doesn't affect her. She never looked tired during the daytime, nor does she had an eye bag. I love the deep conversation and interaction we had and I love the way she delivers her thoughts. She wouldn't hurt me with her words even if she didn't agree with my ideas. She was so gentle and I couldn't remember if we had a quarrel before. During the evening, she always sat by the window with her jasmine tea, with her right leg crossing over the left, waiting for me to come back home. I always departed back right after work and see her sitting by the window with a smile watching me walking upstairs. She often dressed in a long sleeveless embroidered white gown, with a pair of white hand socks and a French hat. She was so calm and always expect for me. I was ashamed I couldn't make her more time. Yet, I always stay by her side after work. She never slept. She would leave the bed right after I slept, went for a reading or a ballet dance.
There was one evening that she fell asleep when she was reading. It was the first time I saw her sleep. She never wakes up. We kept her in the house with physicians who came to check periodically. However, there was no sign of her waking up. Years later, her dad passed away. I took over her family business and still live in the same house waiting for her. Years later, I was old and my hair grey yet she was still looking the same, just like when she fell asleep, never gets old, still in her white sleeveless gown and hand socks. There was hot jasmine tea waiting by her bed always.
There was so much tear in the dream and so do when I waked up. It was only an eight-hour sleep but I felt like I had lived a lifetime. If there is a past life, she must have existed in one of mine, or else it wouldn't be so vivid. This dream was engraved into my soul and eventually shaped my aesthetic view of how beauty looks like.
In reality, you wouldn't have a perfect life nor a perfect soulmate. Each of us has so many weaknesses and no one could avoid having conflict in a lifetime. In reality, my fiance and I have dozens of major and minor conflicts that we have to look for a church counselor to advise us. The major problem may be that she thinks I don't believe in God as my viewpoints go against the traditional belief, as demonstrated above. An ordinary churchgoer wouldn't question “the love of God" but I would. My viewpoint about sex is different as well but I tried my best to comply with hers now. I used to think differently before. My perspectives of childhood education, my worldview, and my standards of fashion and tastes were all unlike my fiance.
P.S. My parents argued a lot but they still loved each other lot!
I never want to stay in conflict though!
What can I do is to try to love God more, but I believe some of the questions can be answered only when I meet Him there in heaven. I'm not sure if I hold a grudge against God, but I'm pretty sure I fail to understand some of the ideas narrated in the Bible. Maybe that's not only me, those who don't skip the paradox would have to slam their head to answer the mysteries. But do I believe in God? Definitely Yes. As intelligent life couldn't be created by the non-intelligence entities. Humans must be designed to become so. Evolution is true but our intelligence cannot be created nor made, just like the energy, according to Newton's Second Law of Thermodynamics.
So, between me and my fiance, we allowed some of the non-essentials conflicts to go on but also I'm trying to correct some of the major conflicts that may lead to a huge argument. I used to be a revengeful man and I am still argumental. The church pastor often described me with the term apologetics. I am not that good but I used to challenge the authority. That is why peoples dislike me. In reality, unlike in the dream, I was not too welcomed by the female community. They think I'm weird and creepy. I didn't have many relationships in reality as my standard of romance is quite different from what women wanted in the real life. I often being too rational and omit the part that women needed, such as compliments and gifts. I hardly buy any gifts for anyone, I can't remember a birthday nor Valentine's day as my parents never had a birthday for me but I was taught to buy gifts now. I am happy to learn though. Though we often argued, yet I found peace in her. I understood that she needs to take such a leap of faith to take me into her life. I am just a student at this stage yet she was already working for years. She doesn't care if I could be sexually impotent but what she wanted was my trust. I trust her though and still trying to do better. I know she was struggling with the same trust issue. As each of us came of different tough kinds of backgrounds, those battles in the past derailed us quite a bit from being optimistic about life.
Many people see love as a mutual benefits scheme but in reality, love is an unconditional emotion that you're ready to sacrifice without needing a deal.
In real life, there will be people gossiping around you and accused you of anything you never did. There will be haters, not because they are jealous of your life but they just love to make you a joke to fill their leisure time. That's what fools did. They went around counseling people with bad seeds, hope to see people fall so that they looked better. Real loving people encourage instead of spreading doubts. A real counselor hopes that you get better so that they have peers who are equally inspiring and would help them build up. However, if you're a warrior, you need to love even these haters. Yet, do understand who is your priority. I chose my fiance, and willing to die for her, unconditionally.
Learning to love her more even she may still make mistakes and rob your sense of securities but be ready to forgive her because we chose to love instead of retaliating.
Love is not a business scheme, it's a free gift.
In reality, she is my woman in white gown. But she drank coffee rather than jasmine tea. She sleeps a lot but does wake up. And she makes noise a lot!
Learn to love, people! You will live happier!
Trust me.
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